Problem? What problem?

I have been writing this blog post in my head for a while now and toying with whether I should say something or keep quiet.

When I write I try not to be whiny and if you have known me for any length of time you will know how much I HATE drama.  Which means that if I’m going through a rough time I tend to withdraw from my friends and family.  I’m really not good with talking about feelings and (even worse!) feeling like a failure.

Without harping on about it I have had a spiraling sense of failure for a long time now.  I tried, in my messed up head, to pinpoint when it all started and it’s probably around the time I had the girls.  I remember really battling to get my head around being a working Mom to 3 children in such a short space of time and struggling with feeling guilty for not being able to spend more time with them.  This probably put in motion a sequence of events which now leaves me in a rather precarious position.  And a rather bruised ego and extreme lack of confidence.  (I hear you gasp in shock and horror and YES I hid it well)

Of late I have been a really bad friend, quite a bit of a bitch and completely stressed out and anxious.  And lonely.  And because of this I messed up something which just left me literally breathless.  And even more pissed off.

I have been using my children and my marriage as my anchor, which it is and should be to a large degree, but there needs to be a balance.

So today I took stock.  I know something’s gotta give.  Because I’ve been feeling like this I haven’t been able to write because God Forbid someone should think everything isn’t completely fucking honky dory in my life.  Well, it’s not.  And if I cannot write I almost cannot breathe. Not being to talk about how I’m doing is almost like the proverbial elephant in the room, it’s had a profound effect on my ability to enjoy something I love: Blogging.

I prefer natural remedies, am very passionate about Homeopathy and have resisted the more ‘chemical’ route of sorting out my anxieties etc, but today I decided to go on to Anti Depressants.  For most of you it is not a biggie, but for me it is.  I cannot even begin to tell you how much of a biggie it is for me.  But I know what’s best for me right now and for myself and my family and the rest of the very important people around me it needs to get done.

There.  I said it.

And tomorrow I will write about camping.  Promise.

And thank you for reading and bearing with me, I love you all!

15 thoughts on “Problem? What problem?”

  1. Oh honey. I love you too. Sending hugs. And chocolate. And wine.

    ps…when I first went on AD’s I felt like a complete failure at not being able to manage my life. I took it very personally. But. I am depressed and I am treating it. And it’s working well. I heart my AD’s and cannot go without it.
    You are going to be OK. Hang in there.

  2. Oh sweetie, you deserve an Oscar for covering up your feelings so well! I’m so glad you’ve taken this brave step towards healing. Never forget that depression is an illness – a very serious, debilitating illness that has a high mortality rate if left untreated. I don’t know why there is still this myth that depression is about feeling a bit sad and if we just try harder we’ll be fine. If we have any other disease, even the freaking ‘flu, no one expects us to just buck up and get over it. I also suffer with depression and if I weren’t on my meds I would hardly be able to function.

    I know it takes a while for the anti-ds to start working so until they do, cut yourself some slack and be gentle with yourself. It’s time us working mums with small children stop buying into that other big myth of being superwoman! Lots of love to you and yours

  3. Oh lovey, I agree with LL, thank you for opening up to us and writing about this. I love your posts and send you much love and loads of hugs. xx

  4. Doesn’t it just feel marvellous to have it all out of your head and here where you are loved and supported?
    I’ve been where you are. I get it. I still have days where I go there. But Time, you gotta love her and her, well her timing and the knowledge that she is not into instant gratification, quick fixes, wham bang thank-you m’am’s but she does give us the gift of Time. Have navigated her valley’s and hills and seen the other side. You just need to know you are where you need to be and you have what you need to help you and each day is one step at a time. And I’ll be here, anytime you need me.

  5. Thanks for sharing, it shows just how strong you are.
    I enjoy your writings so much, even though I don’t have a kid in sight 🙂
    All the best!

  6. Good for you!Proud of you to take the plunge and get help in any form is great.
    Hope you start to benefit from the meds soon…love you always…hugs and smooches and see you soon!

  7. Well done. I know how you feel. Also took me a long time to admit that there is something in my life I could not sort out myself. Needed help. Very proud of you and you will see that it really works and just take you back to the fantastic person you know you are. If I did not do something I would have lost the things I care about the most. And like your one friends says it is a illness just like any other. Love and hugs and see soon! xxx

  8. Big, bold move Mommy. Well done. We’ve all sat in ‘The chair of failure’, some of us for longer than others. And speaking of which, you need a good therapist to go with your ADs. Feel better. x

  9. Good luck on the big step forward – at least you have made the acknowledgment. I have been on AD 3 times in my life and have every time managed to wean myself off well. You will get there – have a hug!

    And now, onto the camping…

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