I have been writing this blog post in my head for a while now and toying with whether I should say something or keep quiet.
When I write I try not to be whiny and if you have known me for any length of time you will know how much I HATE drama. Which means that if I’m going through a rough time I tend to withdraw from my friends and family. I’m really not good with talking about feelings and (even worse!) feeling like a failure.
Without harping on about it I have had a spiraling sense of failure for a long time now. I tried, in my messed up head, to pinpoint when it all started and it’s probably around the time I had the girls. I remember really battling to get my head around being a working Mom to 3 children in such a short space of time and struggling with feeling guilty for not being able to spend more time with them. This probably put in motion a sequence of events which now leaves me in a rather precarious position. And a rather bruised ego and extreme lack of confidence. (I hear you gasp in shock and horror and YES I hid it well)
Of late I have been a really bad friend, quite a bit of a bitch and completely stressed out and anxious. And lonely. And because of this I messed up something which just left me literally breathless. And even more pissed off.
I have been using my children and my marriage as my anchor, which it is and should be to a large degree, but there needs to be a balance.
So today I took stock. I know something’s gotta give. Because I’ve been feeling like this I haven’t been able to write because God Forbid someone should think everything isn’t completely fucking honky dory in my life. Well, it’s not. And if I cannot write I almost cannot breathe. Not being to talk about how I’m doing is almost like the proverbial elephant in the room, it’s had a profound effect on my ability to enjoy something I love: Blogging.
I prefer natural remedies, am very passionate about Homeopathy and have resisted the more ‘chemical’ route of sorting out my anxieties etc, but today I decided to go on to Anti Depressants. For most of you it is not a biggie, but for me it is. I cannot even begin to tell you how much of a biggie it is for me. But I know what’s best for me right now and for myself and my family and the rest of the very important people around me it needs to get done.
There. I said it.
And tomorrow I will write about camping. Promise.
And thank you for reading and bearing with me, I love you all!