I have recently found some really awesome overseas blogs (mostly via Pinterest of couse), amongst which Creature Comforts and she has this post up today about “Things I’m afraid to tell you”. In a nutshell she mobilized a lot of bloggers to talk about the things they are too scared to blog about and it really hit home for me.
I have been fiddling with a blog post for a while now and for some reason just haven’t been able to bring myself to post it.
It’s about depression. And a shrink. And how I often view myself in relation to the world.
My friends regularly joke and call me Martha and I am in equal parts flattered, mortified (I mean, isn’t Martha just a teeny weeny little bit naff?) and horrified.
I’m horrified because I feel like such a fake. I always feel like there is SO much more that I should be doing.
I don’t spend enough time with my family.
I don’t play with my children enough. I’m not comfortable with the playing bit and I know it has a lot to do with being an absolute control freak and not being able to let go. There’s this big wide barrier between being Mom and just being silly and not taking everything so bloody seriously.
I constantly feel like I am the “lesser” parent. Like it’s a lot harder for me to do things that is second nature to Etienne. I get that I’m better at some stuff but sometimes I battle to remember what that “stuff” is as our roles are very intertwined and we don’t parent like we were raised in that strict Male/Female way. I acknowledge that it’s not a competition and I prefer things the way they are as my husband is too awesome for words, but I still have an emotion that needs to be dealt with.
It’s like this: when your toddler falls you have a choice: you can choose to make a big fuss about it or you could play it down, or have a laugh about it before they cry. And as they get older those “falls” become disappointments or hurt caused by other people and Etienne is really great at teaching the kids that it’s not the end of the world whereas I just take it too personally. I so hope they listen to him and not me.
I went through a really bad patch last year where I was emotionally absent from my life and I’m reclaiming feelings and joy and confidence and striving to really be involved in my own life. I try to make the time to really look deep into the eyes of the ones I love every single day, with varying degrees of success.
I also have a lovely shrink. He rocks. He has literally changed my world over the last few months. I love being able to not appear perfect and be a little fragile and a little broken and have someone just listen to all the noise in my head. It really puts things into perspective. If you’ve been thinking about it, but haven’t taken the leap, just do it.
So, there you have it. The things I’ve been afraid to tell you.
If you decide to also do a post about it, please leave me a comment with the link?