Things I’m afraid to tell you

I have recently found some really awesome overseas blogs (mostly via Pinterest of couse), amongst which Creature Comforts and she has this post up today about “Things I’m afraid to tell you”.  In a nutshell she mobilized a lot of bloggers to talk about the things they are too scared to blog about and it really hit home for me.

I have been fiddling with a blog post for a while now and for some reason just haven’t been able to bring myself to post it.

It’s about depression.  And a shrink.  And how I often view myself in relation to the world.

My friends regularly joke and call me Martha and I am in equal parts flattered, mortified (I mean, isn’t Martha just a teeny weeny little bit naff?) and horrified.

I’m horrified because I feel like such a fake.  I always feel like there is SO much more that I should be doing.

I don’t spend enough time with my family.

I don’t play with my children enough.  I’m not comfortable with the playing bit and I know it has a lot to do with being an absolute control freak and not being able to let go.  There’s this big wide barrier between being Mom and just being silly and not taking everything so bloody seriously.

I constantly feel like I am the “lesser” parent.  Like it’s a lot harder for me to do things that is second nature to Etienne.  I get that I’m better at some stuff but sometimes I battle to remember what that “stuff” is as our roles are very intertwined and we don’t parent like we were raised in that strict Male/Female way.  I acknowledge that it’s not a competition and I prefer things the way they are as my husband is too awesome for words, but I still have an emotion that needs to be dealt with.

It’s like this: when your toddler falls you have a choice: you can choose to make a big fuss about it or you could play it down, or have a laugh about it before they cry.  And as they get older those “falls” become disappointments or hurt caused by other people and Etienne is really great at teaching the kids that it’s not the end of the world whereas I just take it too personally.  I so hope they listen to him and not me.

I went through a really bad patch last year where I was emotionally absent from my life and I’m reclaiming feelings and joy and confidence and striving to really be involved in my own life.  I try to make the time to really look deep into the eyes of the ones I love every single day, with varying degrees of success.

I also have a lovely shrink.  He rocks.  He has literally changed my world over the last few months.  I love being able to not appear perfect and be a little fragile and a little broken and have someone just listen to all the noise in my head.  It really puts things into perspective.  If you’ve been thinking about it, but haven’t taken the leap, just do it.

So, there you have it.  The things I’ve been afraid to tell you.

If you decide to also do a post about it, please leave me a comment with the link?

On being connected

You know how you meet someone and for some reason you are just completely in sync with each other?  It might be because we have known each other for such a long time (26 years!!) or because our backgrounds
are quite similar, but Etienne and I have almost always been like that.

Even in the early days we would be sitting in a restaurant and someone would walk in the distance or we would drive past something.  I would notice something and start: “Did you see that..” and Etienne would finish the sentence and be 100% spot on.

We have this thing where we finish each other’s sentences.  And arb stuff sometimes that’s not even remotely connected to what we were talking about at the time.

“Remember, we still have to…… check school hours for next year” when we are sprawled on the couch after being spewed out of the nightly vortex that is our children.

One of the sure ways I know that we are out of touch with each other is when we stop doing that or we get it wrong.  Then I know that we need to regroup and sort out some stuff.  And then, when it’s sorted out we get right back to talking in half sentences.  It’s uncanny and downright weird sometimes.  I often think “How did he know I was going to say that?” or when he starts a sentence I am blown away when I just know what he is going to say.

That is why I think it freaks him out when he doesn’t understand why I feel low sometimes and I can’t explain why.  And the door is closed for him to understand without me actually saying anything.  Because I don’t really know myself.  Depression is SUCH a bitch.

Do you have this in your relationship too or are we just weird?

PS. He offered to bath the dogs yesterday morning to give me a chance to catch up on some Christmas gifts I am making.  He kindly dressed the kids and coached them nicely on how to hold the garden hose and the doggy shampoo.  Eventually, after hearing she sheer exasperation in his voice I go outside.  And there he was, desperately holding on to Lily with Daniel clutching the bottle of shampoo and the girls shrieking away
in mirth at the very unhappy dog.  Wet Husband, not so wet dog, dry children lined up against the wall canning
themselves.  So we ended up sorting out the dogs and only then I realized that the neighbours’ back door that looks out on our back garden was open.

And I was wearing was a short nighty and no bra.

And here are our ablebodied assistants driving the tap: