I may want to come back and delete this post at some time, but it needs to be said.
For various reasons I find myself stuck in a cycle of anxiety, sadness, insomnia and worry. If you have yourself or have ever known anyone that suffers from depression you will know how this usually ends. Generally not well, definitely in the company of a lovely therapist, with an arsenal of chemical weapons and some hard-core anti-anxiety meds.
Then, onto the “getting better” stage, followed by the “weaning off” stage. It’s such a bloody pain in the arse.
The worst thing is the self-doubt.
Am I feeling unhappy and sad because of certain events or was I unhappy and sad to start off with? Which came first?
Am I overreacting?
When I feel the need to make some drastic changes I wonder whether it’s because it feels like I’m mumbling from under a pile of blankets or whether I’m just being honest with myself about things I simply cannot accept or keep living with.
Is it these things that are making me feel worse?
Is my sadness transparent? Am I hiding it well enough?
How many people do I know that hide it better than I do, how do they just plod along and get the job done?
I know my son can see it, he asked me the other day when I walked in the door why I looked so sad. (I know, I have no words) I have no idea how to mold my face into an expression that looks like it did several months ago. How do I get back there?
Do I want to be back there? Or is this the cusp of a change that’s been looming anyway?
So, I’m doing what I do best:
I take control
I keep busy
I hug my kids harder
I fix shit
I look for the happy in every day (hence the continuation of my 100 happy days photo project)
I try to be kind(er) to myself
I eliminate toxic people from my life
In the process I’m sure to alienate people, my capacity for dealing with shit in my personal life is greatly diminished. The people that matter will understand and support. The rest?
So be it.
Do you ever battle with depression? How do you manage?