Tag: self-love

A better me

Back in 2010 when I was still blogging over at Parent24 everyone was writing love letters to their bodies.

At the time I could think of nothing worse and the mere thought of having to deal with the way I looked, much less say nice things about my body, filled me with dread and fear. So I politely ignored the whole thing.

But it stayed with me. It was like a little scab that I kept picking at, this inability to love my body for what it was post-children and mid-depression. I kept promising myself to lose weight. If only I could lose weight I would love my body. I would love and accept myself.

But only then.

As it turns out, I had it the wrong way around.

You have to love yourself first before you can lose the weight.

I didn’t realise that at the beginning of this year. All I knew was that I had just turned 39 and that I was not planning on looking the same way when I turned 40. So I gave myself this whole year to learn to love myself. And believe me, it took the most of this year. I didn’t start out the year wanting to love myself, I started it out wanting to take my power back – in fact it was the word I chose for the year. (just had a little cry reading that by the way)

I still have to force myself to look in the mirror and not cringe at the flabby tummy and the stretch marks some days, but these days I’m closer to carrying them with pride, this irrefutable proof of motherhood and LIFE. I marvel at how I get into the bath and not fill it out quite so completely. Or at how much space there is in a movie seat all of a sudden. Or at how I went ice skating with my kids last night – something I would not have done a year ago. Or at how I can walk a quick 5 kms and feel ALIVE when I’m done. Not to mention the impact on my relationship with Etienne and my children.

I am a better person for not loathing myself.

Because how can you love without reserve if you aren’t ok with yourself?

Here are some more things I realised this year:

I told myself that I would look old and wrinkly if I lost weight – not true. Many people comment on how much younger I look these days.

My friends are amazing. They have supported and loved and carried me through this journey. You know who you are, I love each and every one of you for this and there are not enough words to thank you.

I always thought people that are thinner look at me and judge me. I don’t judge anyone, and the people that judge me aren’t worth my time or effort.

We are our own worst enemies. We keep telling ourselves that we should really lose that last x amount of kg’s, our boobs aren’t nice enough, we have a big bum or a fat stomach. We judge ourselves harsher than anyone else does.

It doesn’t really matter what I look like, if I am happy with myself my relationship is amazing. Yes, shedding a few kgs helps, but in the end I had to make the mind shift before the weight finally started coming off.

I had to break the cycle of emotional eating. I still battle with this, but I know the triggers now and try to occupy myself otherwise.

Anxiety and depression are our enemies, we should wage war against them.

Take care of yourself. I took control of my health this year and it has made a massive difference.

This blog post has been rattling around in my head for some time now and I can only hope I did it justice. All I really want to leave you with is that you owe it to yourself (and to the people that love you) to love yourself and your body and accept the things you probably cannot change without surgical intervention.

How much weight did I lose? Almost 20 kgs (and yes, I could do with losing more, but I’m good for now)

How did I do it? Less crap, less alcohol, more walking.

So, 40, I’m coming for you. It’s you and me babe. You. And. Me.

A state of Happiness

One of the things I love most about walking (except for the fact that my body seems to be losing the weight in the wrong “B” place, that is, Boobs instead of Belly) is that it gives me time to reflect.  It also gives me an opportunity to walk past pretty houses and gardens and appreciate their beauty.

Several people have commented lately that I look really well and I usually crack a joke and say it’s all because of good drugs, but it struck me yesterday that I really am really well.

And Happy.

Sure we are still broke, I still have to work full day and I still get to see far too little of my kids, but I’m actually Happy.

I was trying to figure out what it means to be happy and why I would suddenly feel happier now than, say, a month ago. (except for the good drugs that is).  I remember reading an Afrikaans story many years ago about how you only experience happiness as a memory and I remember thinking at the time how sad that is, because it is so true.

How often do you relate fun stories to people as memories and remember thinking how happy you were at the time?  What could possibly be wrong with being happy now, in the moment?

Here are a couple of things that I think have contributed to this feeling state of happiness:

  1. I’m more “in the moment” at the moment. I’m trying hard to make eye contact with my kids when they talk and really try to listen in to what they are saying now that they are getting really good at expressing themselves.  They are funny, bright and happy children.
  2. I’m feeling grateful for my life.  I’ve stopped wanting to be what I am never going to be and started looking at what we have and what I am NOW.  Really looking.  And appreciating.  And accepting.
  3. I’ve come to realize that people that drive past me when I’m walking might be judging my fat stomach and arse, but at least I’m not watching those cars from the couch.  So who really cares?
  4. I’ve come to accept that some people in my life will never change so best I stop fighting with them about things that will simply never be different.  That was incredibly liberating and it takes away their power to hurt me.  I highly recommend this!
  5. I have an awesome husband.  Our relationship gets stronger by the day because we are both working at it.  And that love is a shining beacon for our children (permit me that little soppiness!) Life really is too short for relationships based on compromise, falseness or lack of trust.
  6. I’m taking time out for ME. Who would have thought??
  7. I am spending less time on the internet.  I have been a bad tweeter and I have been a really bad blogger lately, but I would rather spend time having a conversation with Etienne or reading a book on my Kindle Fire I got as a gift recently (How friggin awesome is that?!).  I miss my friends in the computer, but the ones that are worthwhile will understand.
  8. I refuse to be in a rush. I would rather either start getting ready 5 minutes earlier or be 5 minutes late to a social event than rush.  (Not like the party we were 40 minutes late for recently instead of 10 minutes as I got the time wrong.  Oops).  I’m also taking my time reading to the kids at night and not rush through it and give that extra cuddle and kiss at bedtime as they seem to settle sooner then.
  9. I’m taking the time to dress to feel good, not cover up as much as I can with wide, black clothes.  With varying degrees of success, but hey, I’ll keep trying!  At least some days I leave the house now feeling (gasp) pretty.  Makes such a difference to my work-persona
  10. Speaking of work:  I love my job.
  11. I’m determined to stop hating my body by not giving in to telling myself how fat/ugly I look and feel as a consequence.  Once again, with varying degrees of success, but it’s a work in progress.

Are you Happy?  What is wrong with your life now that prevents you from feeling Happy? What holds you back?