I recently imported all my blog posts (October 2008 – January 2011) from Parent24 so I could have all my words in one place. I haven’t had a chance to read through them all as I need to do a major clean-up, but many of the posts that have caught my eye strike me as very unhappy and some were downright mean.
I started blogging when the girls were about 7 or 8 months old and it was a very hard time for me emotionally. Not necessarily because I had just had twins, but because it was really hard to re-establish my place in the Working World as a Mom. Plenty of long-standing friendships with single friends were compromised as drinks on a Friday were just no longer an option. I couldn’t wait to hit the tar on a Friday afternoon.
I didn’t feel it so much after Daniel as I had started in a new position after maternity leave and I was only in that job for about 6 months when I was going through IVF and then pregnant again, which meant that I was focused on a pregnancy and a relatively new job.
It really hit me when I came back from maternity leave after the girls. Suddenly many of my old work relationships weren’t the same anymore, I was extremely sleep-deprived and I was just not functioning very well.
I was a mess. I hated the way my body had changed because of 2 pregnancies (although I would probably rather have died than to admit it), I felt marginalized at work and as a result my self-esteem was at an all-time low, Etienne and I weren’t in our comfortable communication and affection groove and, as much as I love my children, I just felt like I was not a Good Enough Mother. I felt unattractive and horrible to be around, which rapidly snowballed into becoming my reality.
It has literally taken me 4 years to get my groove back (mostly). I’m not the same person I was pre-kids and I never will be. I still haven’t lost the baby weight. I ended up on AD’s and in therapy. My hair is still a mess and I still don’t like people staying too late when they visit because I really need my sleep
Why am I telling you this?
I see lots of Moms around me and online just coping with first babies/toddlers and/or not so well after second (and third and fourth) babies and I want to reach through my computer and hug them HARD. I want to tell them it’s going to be OK. I want them to know I know what they are going through. The sleep deprivation, the lack of money, the having to put on your game face and going to work when you would rather sit crying in your car all day long just because it’s quiet there.
Feeling like no-one truly understands what you are going through, that, no matter WHAT you do, you will never be that awesome Career Girl AND the Perfect Mother with the Perfectly Clean House and the Perfect Marriage. Hey, any combination of just 2 of the above is almost impossible.
To you I want to say: It’s OK to feel like this, those are very valid feelings.
Then I want to invite you over, feed you and water you, stuff your freezer full of meals, hold that baby whilst you have a special minute with your toddler or your husband, whack that same husband on the head if he’s being a douche, whack you on the head for being so bloody hard on yourself and then, when you leave, give you a big squishy hug and a bag with 8 hours sleep.
And then, when some time has gone by and things are going better for you, I hope that you would do the same for another Mom.
Us Moms need to take care of each other and we cannot afford to get stuck in UnHappyland. We owe it to ourselves, our children, our husbands, the people we work with and the people we interact with on the interwebs.
If you are battling, this is your virtual HUG.
Chin up and hang in there!
You have no idea how badly I needed to read this today. Thank you X
Here is your big squishy hug ((((hug)))). You are amazing.
Thanks so much for the virtual hug. I am coming out of my bad place a little now and only now that I start to leave it behind do I realise just how bad that place was. I took so much strain when the twins came home and my hubby had to work long hours and wasn’t there. I really felt like I wasn’t good enough and never would be and to be honest I was scared of being left alone with the twins. Hug appreciated
Twins are tough! Glad things are going better, feel free to pop in if your need another hug 🙂
Such a wonderful post you published here for all the new moms.
Thanks!
I’m crying. Thank you … THANK YOU! Shit, it feels SO hard. Sometimes it feels like it will never NOT be hard. We (I) put on a super-brave face and try to be everything for everyone. Everyone, except me. I’ll take that hug now … thanks 🙂 xxxxxxx
That made me cry ugly tears in my office today 🙂
Cool post 🙂 we like to think we’re superheroes and often feel that we cannot show any “weakness”
Agreed, thanks Jenty.
Amazing post. Just cried BIG crocodile tears. You are so right, moms put FAR too much pressure on themselves. This post rang very true for me too.
I’m glad it rang true, thank you for commenting.
It could be me writing this – it also took me 4 years to start feeling “normal” too. And we have to admit it and support each other
Totally agree!
Also, it’s not only the second kid thing, it’s also the twins thing.
Well said,everyone tells you how wonderful having a baby is,but they don’t warn you abot all the other stuff.
Great post
Thank you Debbie, I agree, no-one can really prepare you.
As someone who is currently staring up at the sky from the bottom of a the depression pit, I say: yes, yes, YES! Yes to everything you have written. It’s amazing to read the comments here and see how many mothers are also feeling the same way. It makes me wonder… are we doing this to ourselves? Where is the pressure coming from? Is it financial? Blame it on society’s expectations? The media? Wonderful post, ma’am.
Thanks Stacey! I think it’s a combination of all of it, but mostly we are just too hard on ourselves.
And keep looking at the sky and the hole will become smaller and smaller. Promise!
aah Tania, THANK YOU for this hug, and the bag with 8 hours sleep 🙂 . I will give you a big hug when I see you again. I am often tempted to try “gaining sleep” at a spa’s floatation tank, but “don’t have ‘time”. Have you tried it, does it work?
Have never tried a flotation tank, I battle to allow myself a pedi. About high time that changed I think..
Thank you for your honest interpretation of motherhood. It was so real it resulted in moist eyes! It’s so refreshing to know I’m not the only mother that sometimes wonders where I left behind parts of myself
We all leave pieces of ourselves behind when we become Mothers. Some of those pieces we retrieve later and some are best left behind 🙂