I’ve been toying with a question for a while that I don’t think there would ever be a definitive answer for: Is the occurrence of PND in Infertility Survivors higher than in Moms than managed to fall pregnant naturally*?
Here’s some of what I went through emotionally and still do, the rest I have thankfully managed to either forget or block out.
The first thing I always say about my pregnancy with Daniel is that I was in denial about being pregnant for most of it. I underestimated the complete mind-fuck that was IVF and I never really gave myself the permission to sit back and relish the fact that it worked, first time nogals.
With IVF your hormones are all over the show, you vacillate between wanting to tell everyone and no-one what is going on and then, when it works, you have to decide whether you want to disclose immediately that you are pregnant or not. I think an IVF pregnancy actually lasts for 11 months: 1 month to plan (best case scenario), 1 month to execute and 9 months of being pregnant if all goes well. Our bodies were built to carry a baby for 40 weeks, but when we go through fertility treatment we put an enormous amount of additional emotional strain on ourselves that lingers way after we give birth.
When Daniel came home I had no idea what to do (like any new parent!) and the weight of the responsibility I felt was enormous. I felt like I had wanted this baby SO badly, I had better take care of it properly.
As a result I didn’t feel that blissful or smug about being a Mother as I have heard some of my friends say, I just felt petrified beyond belief.
Looking back over being a parent for the last 6 odd years I see how that feeling has never really left me, it has often robbed me from enjoying the simplicity of just BEING with my children. I often talk/write about how wonderfully easy Etienne’s relationship is with the kids and I realize now that I’m still carrying that exaggerated burden of responsibility with me.
I’m reluctant to do something without them just for myself (like go to the hairdresser for 2 hours on a Saturday), I feel like I have to WANT to be with them 24/7 when I’m not at work. I wished to have them here, how could I dare to want to be without them?
I sometimes feel stuck in a evil cycle where I don’t want to fight with them, but then I get so cross when they misbehave and then I feel terrible for getting cross.
I hope to think that they are well-adjusted and happy children, but in many ways I think I put a lot more pressure on our kids because I so desperately want to get it right. Besides my natural tendency toward OCD’ness of course, besides the fact that I was a prime candidate for PND anyway due to a history of depression, but I do think surviving infertility added to the mix for me.
Did/Do you have PND? What is/was your experience? Did you muddle through or get help? How are you doing now?
*Disclaimer: I am by NO means suggesting that PND is worse for Moms that conceive naturally, it is a very real and very scary thing to go through.