Month: March 2014

It’s complicated

You know how, when you are intensely worried about one of your kids, your entire life feels out of whack? Well, that’s how I am right now.

I’ve written countless posts in my head about our current challenges and nothing feels right. It’s a bit of a damned if I do scenario, but it prevents me from writing, so here goes.

Just briefly (and I have to try and get through this post without crying):

Daniel is not doing well. He is currently seeing a play therapist and an occupational therapist. We suspect bullying, he has some sensory and muscle tone issues, he is very anxious, lacks confidence, has intense separation anxiety from me (partly caused by my traveling for work and apparently my PND, cue the self-flagellation) and sleeps with us most nights.

Looking at him you would NOT say so, he looks like the happiest boy alive, which is why it’s been so hard to get to the point of getting help.

We have good days and bad days. We have normal evenings and we have absolute emotional roller coaster trips when dinner and bedtime rolls around.

We have no labels yet, progress is slow. He doesn’t disclose, he avoids telling us what is wrong. The more upset I get, the worse he gets. It’s a vicious, vicious circle and I spend much of my time and energy trying on bigger girl panties.

I can’t tell you everything, we would be here for ages, but yesterday was a turning point for me. We were at a kiddy party which he insisted I go with him to, which is a double-edged sword: I knew that, if I went, he would most likely be with me the entire time and not engage with the other kids, but would possibly be lost if I didn’t and I just wasn’t willing to take the risk. Besides, he really is such an awesome little man, who wouldn’t want to spend time with him?

As predicted, he was with me most of the time, very happy to have me there.

Toward the end of the party one of the Moms passed a comment along the lines of “He really loves being just with you” and I wasn’t prepared. This is all too new. So I just kind of grunted and probably looked like a complete douche.

It’s taken me all of yesterday and today to process that comment and my terrible response and I’ve come up with “It’s complicated“.

Because it is. It’s fucking complicated. My heart aches for my son, it is the single most difficult parenting thing we’ve ever had to deal with. I’m trying not to get stuck at “it’s somehow all my fault” and rather be pro-active and involved in his well-being without alternating between beating the living shit out the child(ren??) bullying him at school and rocking like a madwoman in a corner, clutching a bottle of Jack.

So, there you have it, now you know why I’ve been so quiet. I know that some of you are battling similar things with your own children. Know that I think of you, I admire how brave you are, even on your difficult days.

Ps: didn’t manage to get through the post without crying, but a little weep is always good for the soul, yes?

About stress

This past weekend we were all in the car and the kids stuck an Alanis Morissette CD in the player that Etienne had found at Checkers. (He gave them a choice between Coldplay and Alanis and they chose Alanis when they were scratching in those boxes of CD’s you find at the tills. I trained them SO well)

We listen to a lot of music at home, but it’s mostly mixes on 8tracks, my favourite app, so I hardly ever get to listen to an entire CD of an artist, but this just rocked my world. Later in the day it was just the sussies and myself in the car and we cranked up the music. Loud.

It was bliss.

It made me think of my days of drowning out feelings and hiding in my room with loud, angry Alanis*.

It also made me think of how I manage being stressed. Some of us drink, some smoke, go to gym, shout or withdraw from life until we have managed to work through whatever is wrong with the world at that particular time in our lives.

Depending on the level of crap I’m going through at any particular moment in time I have employed all of the above, sometimes all at the same time. With the possible exception of gym. I consider going to gym the most mature way of handling stress and sometimes you just don’t feel like being all mature and behaving like an adult.

Sometimes all that helps is getting all shouty with Alanis with a glass of something alcoholic in the one hand and an illegal fag in the other. It makes you feel a little rebellious and lot FU to whatever hurts or stresses you out.

And that is strangely empowering.

Just so you know: I’m not in a terrible space or unhappy, my life is great, there’s just A LOT going on so sometimes it’s good to feel 21 again, even if it’s only for 10 minutes before I have to deal with being 41 again and all grown-up.

What do you do when you feel stressed? How do you make it better for yourself?

* Incidentally, if you search for Alanis Morissette on 8tracks you will find lots of her music hidden in “break-up” type mixes. Go figure.