Tag: conflict in relationships

Fighting Fair

I am about to break a couple of my own unwritten blog rules.

1.  I am about to potentially sound like a SMP (Smug Married Person) and

2.  I am about to admit to having a fight argument disagreement with Etienne

Are you confused by the contradiction?  Good.

Without going into too much detail about what the actual argument was about it left me curious about our established Rules of Engagement over the last almost 13 years of being a couple.  We have some really simple rules that we seem to have acquired that I didn’t really spend much time thinking about until last night and today.

Here goes:

  • Don’t drag old or irrelevant shit into the argument – stay on topic.  Otherwise it’s like bringing an AK47 to a water pistol fight: never fair and bound to in end in tears.
  • Don’t walk out.  By walking out you have actually lost because then nothing gets resolved.
  • Don’t go to bed angry.  No-one sleeps well then except for the one that takes drugs. (me)(not even then really)
  • Don’t make sweeping statements such as “you never… “ or “people say…”.  You’ll only look like a douche, so stick to the point.
  • Don’t compare your partner to other people.  Ever. Everevereverever.
  • Don’t get too angry.  When you get too angry you inevitably say things that you are going to wish you could take back.  You are going to try and grab those words and stuff them back into your mouth the very second they cross your lips.  Rather ask for a time-out.  Or take a deep breath.  And pre-warn your partner that if they push you any further it could potentially happen.
  • Don’t push someone’s buttons until they get too angry and end up wanting to take some words back themselves.  Let’s be honest, when you’ve been with someone for long enough and you’re really mad there’s a certain perverse pleasure in knowing exactly which buttons to push to make someone spitting mad.
  • Speaking of honesty: be honest.  This is your chance to spit it out.  Say it, deal with it, and move on.
  • Don’t hold grudges.  They eat away at a relationship and life is too short.
  • Acknowledge that you might just be not so 100% right and justified in feeling hard done by as you would love to.  Those high horses are hard to fall from.
  • Find a compromise that leaves you both with your dignity intact.  Unless someone committed some horrific act so completely wrong that they will be buying flowers and diamonds…scrap that… if it’s that bad you should throw every single last toy out of the cot.  And then ask for demand diamonds.
  • By all means have a disagreement in front of your kids as (I think) it’s healthy for them to see life isn’t all sunshine and roses and people do disagree, but then keep it above board and fair and no shouting.  And make sure that they see you make up.
  • Make up.  Make up properly, not grudgingly because you know you have to.  Be mature (notice how I didn’t say grown-up) about it and don’t sulk like a 3 year old.

So how many of these rules do you think I broke last night? I broke all of them except for one.  Mature much?

Do you have Rules of Engagement in your relationship? How do you go about disagreements in your household?