This is a really hard post to write and it’s been sitting in my head for a while now. So bear with me.
Last year a lot of my ‘interweb’ friends were writing love letters to their bodies. I remember reading them at the time and thinking I would much rather be sticking pens in my eyes. And then Tertia forwarded an email of a magazine looking to interview women that have rediscovered their sexuality after having children. I literally snorted out loud. Sexuality? What sexuality?
I don’t think I’m ugly, but I look at my boobs after breastfeeding 3 children, my fat stomach and all my stretch marks and I shudder. And I look at the number on the scale and want to run a mile.
Not that I don’t know what to eat. I know why I am not losing weight (stress, lack of exercise, giving up smoking and using food as a crutch) and yet I do very little about it. I avoid full length mirrors except for the most cursory glance at my outfit in the mornings. I hardly buy clothes that aren’t a. black or b. hide the worst of my sins. To be fair, I hardly buy clothes. I am loathe to spend money on anything until “I lose the weight”.
I would start an eating plan, lose 5 or 6 kgs, feel great, and then gain 10 kgs. Self-sabotage much? I have this whole “I’m so lazy and fat” thing going on in my head that’s just crazy and I know I am probably punishing myself for something that’s just ridiculous.
Yes, I know all the logical answers and I know there’s just no instant diet and the weight’s just never going to fall off me. But I do miss that thinner version of me. I fear that Etienne might wake up one day and realize that he is living with an unattractive fat person and head for the hills. It impacts on my sex life in a big way. In my mind I’m still that daring (and young!) person that absolutely loves sex when in reality I feel, well, decidedly un-sexy. And he tries to help in his gentle kind way without making me feel even worse. Which makes me feel even worse. Because I keep thinking: who would want to love a body like this?
So I keep punishing myself. Like an idiot. I dread feeling restricted and hungry and miserable and deprived. And yeeees, I know it’s a mindset. But by dammit, I need to get into that mindset.
I know this about myself: if I’m not constantly thinking about the goal of going to weigh myself with a 3rd person I suck at diets eating plans. And I hate Weigh Less with an undying passion. I did SureSlim and that worked brilliantly.
Are there any other good eating plans out there?
If you have lost weight AND KEPT IT OFF what did you do? What made the difference for you?