I finally finished The Glass Castle*, so naturally I have been thinking a lot about dysfunctional families vs normal families. There are so many books about “extraordinary” (for lack of a better word) families** and so many parenting books about raising “the prefect child” that it’s hard to find a personal happy balance between what we grew up with, what we wished we grew up with and how books proclaim we should raise our children.
It’s also true that so many people that are high achievers come from really messed up extraordinary homes, so then there’s that. Maybe “normal” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be? And what would separate the people that rise above those circumstances from their siblings that don’t?
So then I started wondering about what exactly a “normal” family is.
I’m willing to bet that 90% of us promised ourselves “normal” families when we were all grown up as we felt our own family was weird or messed up in some way (which they probably were, otherwise there would be no therapists would there?). Or maybe that was my own teenage delusion.
I know that part of my idea of “normal” was for my kids one day to feel loved and accepted (unconditionally) and included and I hope that this is what we manage to do although I know it really is still early days. But that probably means that we’ll end up messing something else up that will make them think we are dysfunctional in some way and wish to correct our terrible mistakes when they grow up.
So all in all we probably perpetuate the cycle of un-normal through our best intentions.
But I’ll be damned if I’m not going to try and create “normal” to the best of my ability. Dammit. I’d rather raise well adjusted Middleclassers than tortured Over-Achievers thank you very much.
What constitutes “normal” for you? What is the biggest thing you promised yourself you would change when you were a parent one day?
* Thanks to Cat for the recommendation, and apparently Jeanette Walls’ other book, Half Broke Horses is also really good.
** More books like this that have come up in conversations:
Battle Hymn for the Tiger Mother – Amy Chua and my review here
Angela’s Ashes – Frank McCourt. Read at your own peril and don’t say I didn’t warn you.
A Child called It – Dave Pelzer – haven’t read this and I’m not sure I want to either
Feel free to add to the list!
Ps: I googled images for “normal”. Don’t do it. I’m scarred for life.
Glad you enjoyed the book. The word ” scadaddle” will never be the same! At bookclub we now use the word wherever we can. I loved Angela’s ashes – did ou ever read ‘ tis? It’s his success story following on. Oh and ” a boy called it” Sjoe! That isma tough one. But totally gripping. Some scenes I will never forget. But the diffence between Angelas, Glass castle and the boy called it, is that the first two is alost an ognorant neglect, where the last is child abuse withotu a doubt. Very hard core stuff.
“Guess what normal is” is one of the 11 characteristics of adult children – people who had childhoods that were imperfect and that resulted in them becoming very responsible and reliable as children and now, as adults they feel vulnerable, voiceless and choiceless a lot of the time. You may find my blog interesting as it is all about adult children and how we navigate through life…http://judyklipin.com/blog/
When you look up the meaning of ‘snot en trane’ you find Angela’s Ashes.
I think people see ‘normal’ as what is socially accepted by the masses in a particular community. And that’s ever changing. Divorce used to abnormal, now it’s far more acceptable. Sitting at the dinner table used to be what normal families did and with the advent of eating in front of the TV, that’s become normal for many. Normal is what we are used to and when things are different to the way we do things, from the way we were raised, we perceive that as abnormal.
Also enjoyed the Glass Castle very much,the author was usch an inspiration….also made me realise not everyone aspires to be wealthy,with wordly possesions.Great post
Think I had a ‘normal childhood’,I hope we are doing a great job as parents in raising our girls in a ‘normal’ household…..but then I see normal as a bit run of the mill and average….think above normal is better for me.
I have often wondered what the hell normal is anyway?
As for A Child Called It…. seriously, the most disturbing read ever but I could not put the book down, it was one of those books that you read in less than 2 days, I’d definitely recommend it!
Why, I’m right here in Portland, Oregon! 🙂
This is a thoughtful post. From my personal experience, there is no “normal”. What I once thought as “normal”: marriage, family, life in the corporate world- was exposed as “abnormal” by separation and divorce. Today they call it the “new normal” which I dislike and tells me that there really is no such thing. Perhaps we can now call it the “familiar” instead?
For reading I’d suggest David Sedaris, a keen observer of the absurdity of “normal”.