Month: January 2012

Getting old

Etienne and I went to the funeral of a friend’s Mom today and in a weird way I love going to funerals.  I get a chance to have a little cry (which really doesn’t take a lot if you know me at all) and it gives me an opportunity to let my mind wander. (I do mean that in the nicest way possible and I’m hoping not to be struck down by lightning or something being from an NG Kerk background, the Catholic Church of the Afrikaner when it comes to guilt.)

I was thinking about our friend who lost his last parent and their children’s last Grandparent.

And then I thought about the fact that we still have both our parents, despite the fact that I bitch and moan about some of them sometimes (once again, in the nicest way possible of course).

And then I thought about what our parents were doing when they were the same age as we are now.  When Etienne’s parents were almost 40 they didn’t have him yet, in fact his Mom wasn’t even pregnant yet.  When my parents were almost 40 I was in High School.  And my Mom had cancer when she was 42.

Which is quite scary considering that Etienne turns 40 in February and I only (cough) neeeeext year.

I also realized that if our kids have kids at the same age we had them I will be 70 before I see any Grandchildren.  Now that’s a scary thought.

And then I thought about getting old.  Not in a morbid I’m-going-to-die way.  In an I-wonder-how-it-will-be way.

Will I have lots of hobbies?  (Definitely.  I’m the Hobby Queen)

Will I drink a lot of gin/vodka/wine (Duh)

Will I be cantankerous? (Probably)

When will I stop working? (Hopefully long before then)

When will Etienne retire? (Hopefully not long after me, we have lots of catching up to do)

Where will we live? (By the sea I hope)

Will we still have sex? (Hell yes, that’s what drugs are for)

What will our kids end up doing? (Anything they want)

Will we be grandparents? (I hope so)

Will I interfere? (See under Cantankerous)

How do you feel about getting old?  Do you think about getting old and being old?  What do you want for your life when you are old?

Is it Monday or Wednesday?

It occurred to me this morning that we are not having a great week on the home front.

On Monday night, as I was gingerly sipping my much anticipated Vodka Tonic during supper the doorbell rang.  It was a lady saying that Jack The Delinquent Dog got out of the gate on Saturday night and bit her whilst she was walking her dogs and she wanted to let us know.  We were blown away as it is a steel gate and after much huffing and puffing and pffft’ing from both of us Etienne went outside to see if he could knock open the gate from the inside.  True as Bob, if you kick hard enough the gate pops open.  That got sorted out very quickly.  But now we have a dog that got out and apparently bit someone, apart from the fact that he is hard to walk as it is. I see Doggy Shrink bills in our future.

This was also my status update on Facebook this morning:

Daniel also seems to be losing his things quicker that we seem to be able to buy them. On Monday he came home without his suitcase and barefoot.  Yesterday it was one shoe and for the life of us we couldn’t find his back-up bag or (brand new secondhand) karate uniform and he couldn’t tell us what he did with it.  Etienne eventually found it in the washing machine.  But only after we both had a mild panic attack.

We (Me) are also seriously battling to get our heads around the whole extra-mural/communicating with the school thing.  Gone are the days that I can call the teacher on her cell and check in if Daniel is doing ok or if the cough he had in the morning is fine.  Freaks me out Big Time, this big school stuff is for the friggin birds.

This morning it was my turn to drop him off and as I turn off to park at the bottom parking lot at his school he starts shouting that I need to go to the other parking lot, which was impossible at the time. Much whining and refusal to get out of the car later I eventually just about drag him into the school ground, past the security guard that asks me if I need some help.  After a little verbal scuffle inside the gate I proceed to march off to his classroom to drop off his suitcase and spot him running around the other way.  We somehow missed each other and the next thing I find him crying, looking for me.  He then attached himself to me and I could feel the minutes tick by and my hopes of being on time for work for a change being dashed.  Cue the teacher’s comment and subsequent FB comment.

Etienne’s drop-off didn’t go much better.  Apparently the girls gave him the whole please-can-I-have-another-hug-and-kiss-and-high5-repeat-10-times treatment.  But there were no tears.  Surely that’s an improvement?

As much as I hate whining I wish I could spend the day hiding in my office lamenting to all my friends on the interwebs.  Alas, life carries on and an interesting and funfilled day at work awaits.

Thank you one and all for being there for this ragged Mom!

Mondays suck

To say my day got off to a rocky start would be a grand understatement.

I woke up at 04h15 with a start after a terrible dream and lay there until 05h00 when I got up to walk the dogs.  Which really entails Lily (the Labby) and I being dragged around our suburb by Jack The Delinquent.  He is really highly strung (read: aggressive toward strange dogs) and very strong, not an ideal combination in a dog.  But he will be sorted out soon.

Fast forward to 07h00 when we were still battling to get everyone up and fed and tempers were fraying.  Mignon had been lying crying in her bed since 06h30 saying she wasn’t going to school and was immovable despite our best efforts at cajoling, begging, threatening or reasoning with her as she refused to tell us what was wrong.  By 07h15 she was hysterical and I eventually had her on my lap trying to figure out what the story was.  She just kept saying she wasn’t going to school.  The End.  No explanation, no reason, just NO.  This in itself freaked us out.

Etienne ended up carrying her to the car (literally) kicking and screaming.  She cried all the way to school and eventually she said that she’s upset because Isabel doesn’t play with her at school.  I then asked Isabel to play nicely with her sister and they must remember they need to take care of each other and so on and so forth and she seemed to calm down, until I pulled up at the school.  Chaos ensued.  She clung to me like a little monkey, something she has never ever done before and she was not letting go any time soon.

The three of us sat down in the classroom and the staff looked positively bewildered by this sorry state of affairs until I eventually realized that it was not going to get any better.  I was either going to have to take her away or I was going to have to remove myself from the equation and all I kept thinking was that I abandoning my child not protecting her against something.  But I had no idea what.

The staff at the school luckily got things under control very quickly and she was already calmer when I called in to check a few minutes after I left.  They had a chat to her at the school and she said it was because Isabel had made a friend and she hadn’t.

When I look back at the morning I am torn between extreme guilt, feeling that I should have taken the day off to spend it just with her (not an option) and knowing that it is best for her to fight her own battles.

But it still hurts like a bitch.

And it was the only morning in my life I fervently wished for the long commute into town so I could have a proper cry in the car and then some time to compose myself instead of sneaking into work hopelessly late wearing sunglasses and hiding in my office until I looked presentable.  On the upside I weirdly had a ridiculously productive morning as a result.

Tomorrow will be better.

Food and infertility

I don’t see myself as an hysterical person, but when I read articles like this one, I feel just a teeny weeny little bit hysterical.

It’s no secret that I don’t eat red meat and as a household we are careful with meats and try to buy free range/organic whenever we can find and afford it.  This is part due to reading My Year of Meats and All Over Creation by Ruth Ozeki about what goes into our food without our knowledge or permission.  If you haven’t read her books, you should really try.  They aren’t just very well researched, they are also very well written.

The biggest reason I feel a little hysterical is because a lot of what goes into our milk, meat, potatoes and apples is making us infertile.  Even worse: it’s making our children infertile.  I have a well documented history of infertility and seeing all this really just pisses me off as infertility is an issue very close to my heart.

It also pissed me off that we try to make healthy choices for our children, but we are doing the exact opposite by giving them the “healthy” foods we do and forcing them to eat them.

Picture this:

“Dear, eat your potatoes, and don’t worry that they are full of pesticides, they are good for you.”

“And while you are at it, please eat that lovely spaghetti bolognese we made you with canned tomatoes and I don’t want to hear a word.”

That derelict vegetable garden of our is about to get a make-over I think.  We already have a compost heap with beautiful compost and a laid out veggie patch, we just need to keep it going and keep the delinquent dogs out.

Watch this space.

And no, I haven’t listened to any Alanis Morrisette in days.  Just so you know.

 

 

Sticker Mania

You know, kids can be pretty ungrateful sometimes.  I know that we shouldn’t expect them to understand sacrifice and compromise in the same way us grownups do, but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish they would take a moment and think.  Think about the intent of an action of a parent.  When ‘they’ said parenting was a thankless job they really meant it.

Point in case:

I thought it would be a sweet thing to do to put a different sticker on each child’s wrapped snack every day inside their lunch box.  It embodies the amount of guilt I feel for working and missing so much.  It’s that little gesture that says “Hey! Mom and Dad are thinking of you!”

To this end I bought Isabel little Mini Mouse, Mignon butterfly and Daniel beautiful, bright smiley face and heart stickers as those are the things they love.  The plan was to stick them on when they aren’t looking so they know how special they are as individuals and that we treasure them.

How did it turn out? Not so well. Road to hell and all that.

They have of course twigged on to the fact that there are stickers and this morning there was a barmy of note.  Daniel opened his lunch box to find the (biggest on the sheet) happy face sticker on his snack and immediately proclaimed that he didn’t want the sticker.  In my mind I went What the fuck? and I mentally rolled into a little ball of self-pity.  We then had the whole conversation of why there are stickers, that they are simply something nice for them so they know we love them and so on, but Mister was having none of it, the sticker had to go.  So, the sticker went.

2 minutes later he is back: he wants a butterfly sticker.  No, sorry, no sticker for you today mister and we have thrown the other one away at your instruction.

Another 2 minutes later he comes back, big crocodile tears and demands to have original sticker back.

At which point I had a choice (besides feeling very manipulated).  I could either cave in and give the butterfly sticker or stick to my guns and not let him have any sticker.

So I dug out the original sticker out of the bin.

As you do.

A blog post about Adele

You read it right, I am writing a post about Adele. Up to today I was a fan. Admittedly, I was a lukewarm fan, but a fan nonetheless.

After today I am smitten. Do yourself a favour and buy the Live at Royal Albert Hall DVD. Don’t borrow it or download it, BUY it. You will never NEVER be sorry.

She is funny, she is honest and she made me cry with Make you feel my love. It is a Bob Dylan song and it hits you right in the gut. It made me think of being a parent, even though it’s more of a love song. About the things we would do for our children, the lengths we would go to. Have a look and then read the lyrics at the bottom:

Make you feel my love

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no – one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven’t made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I’ve known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I’d go hungry
I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling
Down the avenue
Know there’s nothing
That I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my loveThe storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing
Like me yetI could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love, To make you feel my love

Ps. In the Royal Albert Hall DVD she dedicates the song to Amy Winehouse. I get all teary just thinking about it.

First day of school – 2012

We officially survived the first day of school yesterday and I am very relieved!

Our lovely helper (I hate using the word Au-Pair as it feels like it puts us in a certain category, which could not be further from the truth as my grey hair and unmanicured nails will testify to) started on Monday so she had a chance to settle in.

We sent Daniel off to holiday camp at his new school with his BFF on Monday and Tuesday, so he had a chance to get a little aquanted with his school, but yesterday was still a big day for him.  Of our kids I worry about him the most (stop me if you’ve heard this one before), because the girls are mostly fine wherever they end up as they are always together.

First we all went to Daniel’s school so The Sussies could see his classroom and have a look around.  Here he is on the playground, thoroughly gatvol of me with the camera:

And here he is with the girls, Mignon on his right ad Isabel on his left:

As you can see, they were also rolling their eyes at me.  (which reminds me, Isabel has this little exasperated sound she makes these days, too funny)

I left Etienne in charge of The Big Goodbye and the Girls and I went off to their new school.  Here they are, humoring me in the road.  I don’t know how they put up with me 🙂

Incidentally, I had to take 6 pics to get this one, and still Mignon refused to look at me.

And finally, here they are, playing at their school.  I even managed to get both of them to look at me AT THE SAME TIME.

How did your first days go?

Power is me

I have been sitting on this blog post for days now, not sure if I should post it, but it seems everywhere around me people are going through similar situations.  As you know, I’ve never been one to shy away from saying it as I see it, so here goes.  I’m laying it bare and all I ask is that you keep me to it, ok?

There has been a lot of noise on twitter about choosing your word for 2012.  After much pondering about what I could possibly choose I have come with the word “POWER”.

In the last couple of weeks I have made a couple of life-changing realisations about myself, mostly because I acted differently in a conflict situation with someone close to me.  I now know the truth about some things about my family and that impacts on how I see myself.  And how I see my place in the world as a result.

I have accepted that I am a terrible people-pleaser.  I now know that I actually hate conflict, despite being all gung-ho and loudmouthed in real life. I mask being insecure by being bitchy.  I am afraid, deep inside, to give my opinion because God forbid someone should stop liking me.

Well.

Things are about to change.

I have woken up to the fact that, because I was made to feel that I shouldn’t rock the boat and keep the peace I have ended up with so much self-loathing and feeling powerless I can almost taste the bitterness and anger.  And the cycle is endless and relentless.

Brace yourself as I’m certain there will be a little OTTness initially until I find a balance that works.  (That, and I plan on listening to A LOT of Alanis Morissette)

I have decided that 2012 is my year of power.

I am taking back my power.

I am taking back control of my body.

I am taking back power of the words I use.

I am taking back the power of the thoughts I choose to think.

I am taking back the power of how I see myself in relation to the world.

I am taking back the power to be honest instead of nice.

I am going to stop taking everything so damn personally.

So there you have it, 2012 is my Year of Power.