Month: March 2012

The Sussies turn 4

I know, I know, they turned 4 two weeks ago already, but it’s been manic.  Also, I’ve been spending time online looking at the awesome pics Caz took instead of doing a blog post about them.  So, here goes!

I once again managed to dodge a Barbie party (by the skin of my teeth I tell you) and suggested we have a tea party instead, which they absolutely loved!  They could also choose whether they wanted a Butterfly or Heart cake and luckily Mignon chose hearts and Isabel chose butterflies.

I then ended up crocheting about a gazillion hearts and butterflies with the idea of hanging them all around the gazebo, got my Mom to make each child a handbag (“manbags” for the boys) and managed to pull off the cakes. But only just.  The baking was a nightmare. And the weather was threatening to not play along, but that turned out just fine in the end.  Phew.

I didn’t realise exactly how stressed I was about it until I woke up the next morning in a cold sweat about all the things I felt weren’t perfect.  I could literally HEAR Etienne roll his eyes when I was having my little moment.

So, here are some pics, I’ll let the captions tell the tale:

The sussies in their party dresses, Isabel on the left, Mignon on the right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

All of them together, such an awesome natural pic!

 

Bags made by my Mom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some of the gazillion crochet butterflies and hearts.
Ready to blow out their candles.
Isabel's cake close-up, check the butterfly table cloth.
Mignon's heart cake
Isabel pondering a butterfly
Mignon drinking "tea" out of her cupIsabel pondering a butterfly
Daniel making a necklace
Us.

Woe is me, I can’t the pics to align properly, but you have the gist of it!

If you want to see the full set on flickr, please click here.  I cannot do them justice here!

The Logical Song – a memory flashback

I know I’m giving away my age, but I recently re-discovered Supertramp and in particular The Logical Song.

I don’t proclaim to have an accurate memory of my 2 spectacularly unsuccessful years at University seeing as how I spent most of it either in the Neelsie (the on-site cafeteria) or in Finlays (a pub that sold Tassenberg at R8.00 a bottle that is sadly no longer there).

If there is one thing I always remember is an Afrikaans / Nederlands lecturer that put the lyrics of The Logical Song up on the overhead projector (do you remember those?).  The lyrics just opened something up for me about growing up and I can’t remember the context of what she was trying to tell us, even though it was likely something to do with don’t-fuck-up-your-studies (see how well that went for me), but the words are nonetheless very special:

The Logical Song lyrics
Songwriters: Davies, R; Hodgson, R;
 
When I was young
It seemed that life was so wonderful
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical
And all the birds in the trees
Well they’d be singing so happily
Joyfully, playfully watching me
 
But then they send me away
To teach me how to be sensible
Logical, responsible, practical
And then they showed me a world
Where I could be so dependable
Clinical, intellectual, cynical
 
There are times when all the world’s asleep
The questions run too deep for such a simple man
Won’t you please, please tell me what we’ve learned?
I know it sounds absurd but please tell me who I am
 
I say, “Now what would you say for they calling you a radical
Liberal, fanatical, criminal?”
Won’t you sign up your name? We’d like to feel you’re
Acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable
Oh, ch-ch-check it out yeah
 
At night when all the world’s asleep
The questions run so deep for such a simple man
Won’t you please, please tell me what we’ve learned?
I know it sounds absurd but please tell me who I am
Who I am, who I am, who I am
 
‘Coz I’m feeling so illogical
D-d-digital
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Unbelievable
B-b-bloody marvelous
 

ps Etienne and I are off on a special overnight date-night tonight and I’m deliriously excited!

Normal? Who’s Normal and where does he live?

I finally finished The Glass Castle*, so naturally I have been thinking a lot about dysfunctional families vs normal families.  There are so many books about “extraordinary” (for lack of a better word) families** and so many parenting books about raising “the prefect child” that it’s hard to find a personal happy balance between what we grew up with, what we wished we grew up with and how books proclaim we should raise our children.

It’s also true that so many people that are high achievers come from really messed up extraordinary homes, so then there’s that.  Maybe “normal” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be?  And what would separate the people that rise above those circumstances from their siblings that don’t?

So then I started wondering about what exactly a “normal” family is.

I’m willing to bet that 90% of us promised ourselves “normal” families when we were all grown up as we felt our own family was weird or messed up in some way (which they probably were, otherwise there would be no therapists would there?).  Or maybe that was my own teenage delusion.

I know that part of my idea of “normal” was for my kids one day to feel loved and accepted (unconditionally) and included and I hope that this is what we manage to do although I know it really is still early days.  But that probably means that we’ll end up messing something else up that will make them think we are dysfunctional in some way and wish to correct our terrible mistakes when they grow up.

So all in all we probably perpetuate the cycle of un-normal through our best intentions.

But I’ll be damned if I’m not going to try and create “normal” to the best of my ability. Dammit.  I’d rather raise well adjusted Middleclassers than tortured Over-Achievers thank you very much.

What constitutes “normal” for you?  What is the biggest thing you promised yourself you would change when you were a parent one day?

* Thanks to Cat for the recommendation, and apparently Jeanette Walls’ other book, Half Broke Horses is also really good.

** More books like this that have come up in conversations:

Battle Hymn for the Tiger Mother – Amy Chua and my review here

Angela’s Ashes – Frank McCourt.  Read at your own peril and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

A Child called It – Dave Pelzer  – haven’t read this and I’m not sure I want to either

Feel free to add to the list!

Ps: I googled images for “normal”.  Don’t do it.  I’m scarred for life.

I cannot even begin to think how to title this post without saying penis or vagina.

Hot on the heels of recovering from Fighting For Dummies Etienne tells me the girls had an argument at school yesterday that left them both in the naughty corner. As usual Isabel and Mignon’s versions were different as to who did what first.

Fast forward to dinnertime and we are all at the table tucking into our usual Thursday night roast chicken, the only night of the week supper is relatively peaceful.

And Isabel pipes up: “Mamma! Guess what! Mignon and I saw (insert child’s name) “tottie” (penis) today, he showed it to us!”

It’s like the world suddenly stopped turning and I had to remind myself to breathe. And the voice in my head screamed STAY COOL MAN!

So we asked what happened when the little boy showed them his penis. “Oh” they pipe up “we showed him our ‘koekies’!”

Choke. And more incessant screaming from all the voices in my head.

And murderous thoughts about where the teacher was and what the effing hell!

So we ended up having the whole conversation about not showing other children your private parts and not letting anyone touch you and always running and telling Mommy or Daddy or a Teacher if something like this happens and your body is your body and so on and so forth.

After supper I called my friend Leo. Leo is really good at putting things into context and dealing with my (let’s face it) hysteria. And she’s been through most of it before so she knows shit. And she’s calm. So veryvery calm. I love my friend Leo.

So we talked through it and she correctly said that kids tell the truth, but only up to a certain point and the most valuable piece of advice she ever got was when one of her kids’ teachers said the following:

She promises not to believe everything the kids tell her at school if the parents promise not to believe everything the kids tell them at home.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe what happened yesterday, just not necessarily all the additional details Isabel embroidered into the story when she realized she had a rapt audience. This got me through the night last night and made me approach them calmly at school this morning.

They have dealt with it at school and had a long talk to the kids, so I almost want to just leave it to rest for now and not rush out to buy all the kiddy-appropriate literature in the whole of Cape Town lest it becomes a major issue. But we will re-visit the topic when the dust has settled a little, that much is important.

It is still a big thing for me, especially because they are twins as they have a very special kind of physical bond that I don’t want to interfere with. I also don’t want to leave them with the impression that their genitals are something to be ashamed of as us 70’s babies were made to believe along with having to finish all the food on our plates. But there are boundaries.

I also feel like they have lost some of their innocence. Up to now they have been very comfortable being naked around their brother and vice versa and should we really be censoring that at this point? (as much as we keep an eye on it already).

Parenting: It’s a bitch sometimes.

Has this happened to your kids? How did you deal with it?

Fighting Fair

I am about to break a couple of my own unwritten blog rules.

1.  I am about to potentially sound like a SMP (Smug Married Person) and

2.  I am about to admit to having a fight argument disagreement with Etienne

Are you confused by the contradiction?  Good.

Without going into too much detail about what the actual argument was about it left me curious about our established Rules of Engagement over the last almost 13 years of being a couple.  We have some really simple rules that we seem to have acquired that I didn’t really spend much time thinking about until last night and today.

Here goes:

  • Don’t drag old or irrelevant shit into the argument – stay on topic.  Otherwise it’s like bringing an AK47 to a water pistol fight: never fair and bound to in end in tears.
  • Don’t walk out.  By walking out you have actually lost because then nothing gets resolved.
  • Don’t go to bed angry.  No-one sleeps well then except for the one that takes drugs. (me)(not even then really)
  • Don’t make sweeping statements such as “you never… “ or “people say…”.  You’ll only look like a douche, so stick to the point.
  • Don’t compare your partner to other people.  Ever. Everevereverever.
  • Don’t get too angry.  When you get too angry you inevitably say things that you are going to wish you could take back.  You are going to try and grab those words and stuff them back into your mouth the very second they cross your lips.  Rather ask for a time-out.  Or take a deep breath.  And pre-warn your partner that if they push you any further it could potentially happen.
  • Don’t push someone’s buttons until they get too angry and end up wanting to take some words back themselves.  Let’s be honest, when you’ve been with someone for long enough and you’re really mad there’s a certain perverse pleasure in knowing exactly which buttons to push to make someone spitting mad.
  • Speaking of honesty: be honest.  This is your chance to spit it out.  Say it, deal with it, and move on.
  • Don’t hold grudges.  They eat away at a relationship and life is too short.
  • Acknowledge that you might just be not so 100% right and justified in feeling hard done by as you would love to.  Those high horses are hard to fall from.
  • Find a compromise that leaves you both with your dignity intact.  Unless someone committed some horrific act so completely wrong that they will be buying flowers and diamonds…scrap that… if it’s that bad you should throw every single last toy out of the cot.  And then ask for demand diamonds.
  • By all means have a disagreement in front of your kids as (I think) it’s healthy for them to see life isn’t all sunshine and roses and people do disagree, but then keep it above board and fair and no shouting.  And make sure that they see you make up.
  • Make up.  Make up properly, not grudgingly because you know you have to.  Be mature (notice how I didn’t say grown-up) about it and don’t sulk like a 3 year old.

So how many of these rules do you think I broke last night? I broke all of them except for one.  Mature much?

Do you have Rules of Engagement in your relationship? How do you go about disagreements in your household?