I’ve been toying with a question for a while that I don’t think there would ever be a definitive answer for: Is the occurrence of PND in Infertility Survivors higher than in Moms than managed to fall pregnant naturally*?
Here’s some of what I went through emotionally and still do, the rest I have thankfully managed to either forget or block out.
The first thing I always say about my pregnancy with Daniel is that I was in denial about being pregnant for most of it. I underestimated the complete mind-fuck that was IVF and I never really gave myself the permission to sit back and relish the fact that it worked, first time nogals.
With IVF your hormones are all over the show, you vacillate between wanting to tell everyone and no-one what is going on and then, when it works, you have to decide whether you want to disclose immediately that you are pregnant or not. I think an IVF pregnancy actually lasts for 11 months: 1 month to plan (best case scenario), 1 month to execute and 9 months of being pregnant if all goes well. Our bodies were built to carry a baby for 40 weeks, but when we go through fertility treatment we put an enormous amount of additional emotional strain on ourselves that lingers way after we give birth.
When Daniel came home I had no idea what to do (like any new parent!) and the weight of the responsibility I felt was enormous. I felt like I had wanted this baby SO badly, I had better take care of it properly.
As a result I didn’t feel that blissful or smug about being a Mother as I have heard some of my friends say, I just felt petrified beyond belief.
Looking back over being a parent for the last 6 odd years I see how that feeling has never really left me, it has often robbed me from enjoying the simplicity of just BEING with my children. I often talk/write about how wonderfully easy Etienne’s relationship is with the kids and I realize now that I’m still carrying that exaggerated burden of responsibility with me.
I’m reluctant to do something without them just for myself (like go to the hairdresser for 2 hours on a Saturday), I feel like I have to WANT to be with them 24/7 when I’m not at work. I wished to have them here, how could I dare to want to be without them?
I sometimes feel stuck in a evil cycle where I don’t want to fight with them, but then I get so cross when they misbehave and then I feel terrible for getting cross.
I hope to think that they are well-adjusted and happy children, but in many ways I think I put a lot more pressure on our kids because I so desperately want to get it right. Besides my natural tendency toward OCD’ness of course, besides the fact that I was a prime candidate for PND anyway due to a history of depression, but I do think surviving infertility added to the mix for me.
Did/Do you have PND? What is/was your experience? Did you muddle through or get help? How are you doing now?
*Disclaimer: I am by NO means suggesting that PND is worse for Moms that conceive naturally, it is a very real and very scary thing to go through.
I muddle through with a little help 🙂 For the first time in my 10 years as a parent I got meds from my GP 2 weeks ago and I just got more! I NEED them now! I am not coping and so whatever help I can get I am taking! AND whatever “me” time I can get I am taking even faster!!!!
You go girl. We have to do what we have to do to get by.
lol
I didn’t have PND even though I was on the infertility train for 4 years before we fell pregnant from our 2nd ivf.
BUT YES< i do think you have a point there. we're supposed to be so happy we're pregnant (and I was) but then when you take the baby/ies home, what on earth?!
Exactly!
There is a very good local book on PND called “Recognising Post Natal Depression” It was published this year by Penguin SA and is highly recommended…..
Lovely stuff, thank you Judy, much appreciated.
Oh – PND twice, struggled for long the first time, but hubby sent me to the doc. Second time around with the twins we I just took it in any event – my doc meant twins plus previous PND = definite PND. She is a very wise woman
I have been meaning to comment on this post for the full five days since you posted it, but life with twins… It really resonated with me.
I think I had mild PND, I did not go see a therapist or a doctor, I did not take anything, but in hindsight I really wish I had because my first six months with my twins were so clouded with my fear.
Our twins came to us after believing we would never have biological children our whole married life (13 years before our positive, my hubby diagnosed at 17). Yes we ‘only’ endured infertility treatments for just over 2 years before getting our positive on our 4th IVF, but the scars ran very deep. I too battled a determination to ‘get it right’ because I had wanted this so much, because we had been through so much for our babies, and I ‘knew’ I was failing at ‘getting it right’. Now in hindsight with PND behind me I got it so right, my babes are happy, (mostly) healthy, well adjusted little babes who sleep pretty well and are no worse off because I couldn’t 100% breastfeed or manage by myself.
I don’t think PND is worse if you have endured infertility, I think you are just more prone to it. I have done a bit of reading and other factors making you more prone to PND include IVF (as opposed to less invasive infertility treatments), c-sections, breastfeeding issues and TWINS – I ticked all those boxes and should have seen what was going on and done something about it.
At 6 months I stopped breastfeeding (yes I know, but it was right for us) and the hormonal return to normal seems to have also cleared the PND for me. Suddenly I could see my babies for the total and utter awesomeness that is them and I now LOVE motherhood even more than in my wildest infertile imaginings.
Sorry for the long response, but like I said your post really spoke to me.