The black-eyed bastard

I may want to come back and delete this post at some time, but it needs to be said.

For various reasons I find myself stuck in a cycle of anxiety, sadness, insomnia and worry. If you have yourself or have ever known anyone that suffers from depression you will know how this usually ends. Generally not well, definitely in the company of a lovely therapist, with an arsenal of chemical weapons and some hard-core anti-anxiety meds.

Then, onto the “getting better” stage, followed by the “weaning off” stage. It’s such a bloody pain in the arse.

The worst thing is the self-doubt.

Am I feeling unhappy and sad because of certain events or was I unhappy and sad to start off with? Which came first?

Am I overreacting?

When I feel the need to make some drastic changes I wonder whether it’s because it feels like I’m mumbling from under a pile of blankets or whether I’m just being honest with myself about things I simply cannot accept or keep living with.

Is it these things that are making me feel worse?

Is my sadness transparent? Am I hiding it well enough?

How many people do I know that hide it better than I do, how do they just plod along and get the job done?

I know my son can see it, he asked me the other day when I walked in the door why I looked so sad. (I know, I have no words) I have no idea how to mold my face into an expression that looks like it did several months ago. How do I get back there?

Do I want to be back there? Or is this the cusp of a change that’s been looming anyway?

So, I’m doing what I do best:

I take control

I keep busy

I hug my kids harder

I fix shit

I look for the happy in every day (hence the continuation of my 100 happy days photo project)

I try to be kind(er) to myself

I eliminate toxic people from my life

In the process I’m sure to alienate people, my capacity for dealing with shit in my personal life is greatly diminished. The people that matter will understand and support. The rest?


So be it.

Do you ever battle with depression? How do you manage?

7 thoughts on “The black-eyed bastard”

  1. I feel you – been there!!!! Accept the help ( even the chemical), be kind to yourself, prioritise what is important to you and makes you feel good, love your family, do things that feel good and spend time with those who boost you. Those people that drain you – avoid them in the interest of self-preservation ( they will probably not understand (duh -it’s usually all about them in any case!!) and you may have to deal with the carcass of that relationship at a later stage ( much later)). And remember – time passes and we get through things – stronger!!!!!! Sending you a big hug!!!!! Xxx

    1. I completely agree, the people that don’t understand now will never understand. I’ll take that hug, thank you!

  2. I sometimes like it when I get like that, I do a clean up of life, it’s a kind of a releasing coping mechanism.

    Life will not always be roses and sunshine, but at least we have precious little moments which will carry us through the tough times, hang in there xx

  3. Ugh. The self doubt!
    I don’t suffer from depression, but I have had patches of bad anxiety and the worst part, as I lie awake fretting is wondering whether I’m just ‘being silly’ or having some massive premonition which I should be listening to. I’m generally very in touch with myself so the self doubt kills me.
    I can only suggest help before it gets worse? Stress relievers, anti-anxiety meds, one or two sessions with a therapist? Slow release Vit B for a stressful lifestyle?
    I say this because I know myself, I leave it too late in the hopes I can shake it, and it just gets worse.
    But you know all this …
    Sending love.

  4. Hi Tania

    I apologise beforehand for total inexperience on this issue and perhaps being totally out of place, but I gather it is worth the shot.

    I will (hopefully) never know exactly how you are feeling and the effect of depression on sufferers and family members.

    However, my nature is to look for the cause and fix things. I also realise events in the past mould us and cannot be changed and some of us carry more of these than others.

    Let me get to the point. Have you read The Grain Brain by David Perlmutter? It is an easy Kindle read. Combine it with the Real Meal Revolution of Tim Noakes et al and the picture that emerges makes so much sense that one gets angry about all those “lost years”.
    The Grain Brain links the explosion of Parkinson, Alzheimers, Depression and other brain diseases to our over consumption of Carbohydrates and Low Fat eating. (Fat is the fuel for the brain, remove it from your diet and your brain is starving).

    It fills the gaps and complements Tim Noakes’s book very nicely, especially on the issue of cholesterol.
    Please read it will you? It might just make all the difference.

    Take care!

  5. Hi,

    Life-long (yes, even 6 year olds can be clinically depressed) depression survivor here. Every couple of years my personal level of ‘life is worth living’ drops below normal and I have to get help. Every damn time I go through this cycle I beat myself up for a few weeks first for ‘not just sucking it up’ (many people have a harder life than I do), ‘not eating right / exercising / having enough work-life balance’, and detest myself for lashing out at the people I love or withdrawing from them totally.

    You know what, it makes us human, otherwise we’d be sickeningly perfect 🙂 And once I do all the right things and get my team on board (psychiatrist, psychologist, long-suffering hubby) and I can emotionally recognize again that the sun is shining and my kid loves me, I realize AGAIN that I’m perfectly lovable even with this immensely frustrating medical condition that is not my fault.

    Two best thoughts I have to offer you – “just keep swimming” a la Dory; you will feel better again and “hello darkness my old friend” – you are who you are and this is part of what makes you uniquely you. When I hit rock-bottom again recently, I explained in complete humiliation what was going on with me to a colleague at work. He had no experience of depression or hard-core anxiety, but because I shared honestly with him what it’s like, he was able to get some help for his child, who otherwise would have battled this battle all alone.

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